April Showers Bring May Flowers

Blog Post by Keah Mason

I was definitely ready for spring break. Whether it meant relaxing, cleaning, checking things off my to-do list, or having fun…I was ready. But on the drive home from school that rainy Friday afternoon, tears fell from my face. While I’m always excited for the time off to recharge and reset, breaks can also bring a bit of anxiety for me. Sometimes the quiet is too loud, and that was my fear. I knew the April showers were coming.

Overall, it was a pleasant time away from work. No solid plans on the agenda, but I did clean, and I was productive, achieving some tasks well in advance, crossing things off my long list. I took a nap every day (my favorite), and I enjoyed some fellowship gatherings too. I even took a 3-mile walk across the Woodrow Wilson Bridge, and to my surprise, I relished the experience. My godkids came over to spend the night one evening and even I enjoyed the Toy Story marathon. I tried not to let it rain on them so they wouldn’t experience the flood in my heart, but I think it at least drizzled a little bit on them too. Although I tried to pretend, I wasn’t strong enough for the April downpour that was occurring in this spring season of my life.

As I woke up this morning on the last day of my spring break, I cried again, this time, more than just a few tears. This time I wept. I could hear moans through my sobs, and they told a story, beckoning for me to listen to the root of its pain. Part of me cried because I was on my way to physical therapy. Not from an accident or injury, just from a lumbar spine issue for what reason, I don’t know. But I grieve the new things my body is having to experience without my permission. More April showers.

Every holiday, everyone else gets to go home. My mom is home for me and as my heart and mind prepare for the anniversary of her passing next month, and Mother’s Day, the April showers pour out from my eyes even more. I miss her immensely and even after five years, it still hurts. April floods the gates of my heart, and almost makes me want to keep everyone and everything out.

My tears are from some disappointments too. I recognize the joy and the blessings that surround me in family, friendship, employment, provision, opportunities, and all the things, but this morning, I’m sorry, but my heart also recognizes what feels missing too. Someone who sometimes for some reason feels lonely, scared, not good enough, unseen, uninvited, and unwanted. Someone who offers forgiveness to others, but has a hard time extending it to herself. Someone who wants to accept the calling of her purpose, but wants to run and hide at the same time. Someone who wants peace and serenity, but feels like she’s drowning from the silence. Someone who wants her calendar to be filled, but then gets overwhelmed and feels burdened with too many events. One minute overworked, then underutilized. Not seen enough, but then wants to be invisible in the corner. It’s the season of uncertainty filled with mixed emotions and lots of rain. So much rain.

So as my tears continued to flow this morning, I didn’t reach for many words. I just extended my hand to God’s. Straight from my weary heart to His perfect one, I just allowed Him to catch my tears. He allowed me to remember a beautiful moment, a sweet memory. When my mom passed away in May of 2020, I was alone at home due to Covid. My comfort came in the form of flowers. People expressed their love and condolences by sending me flowers. My dining room was completely filled with them, and they were beautiful.

It had poured that April as I took care of my mom in what was the final month of her life. But even from all that rain, in May, something beautiful came when she was called to her home in Heaven. That will always be something to celebrate. And even now, whenever it rains, how ever heavy the rain gets in my life, I’m encouraged that it will always produce growth. And sister, the same is true for you too. When we don’t fully understand our feelings and they seem like a heavy downpour, let’s remember that something wonderful is being produced and growing within us, for us. April showers really do bring May flowers.